All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
