I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
