Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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