I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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