when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
