Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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