Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
