K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
