im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
