I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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