I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Randomize
