we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
