you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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