I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
