I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
