Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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