My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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