dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
