when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I haven't been this sober since birth.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
