First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
