DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Barsexuality is the new black.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
