he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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