put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
