My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
FUCK WHALES
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize