did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
