Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
