I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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