Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
