Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
