I think my fart just growled at me.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
