listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
