I wish I could teleport
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
