Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
