his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I want a musical about memes.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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