I'm really into asian looking animals
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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