I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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