He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
