you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
