she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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