I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
being pregnant is like rehab
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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