Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
