she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
