the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
