Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize