apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
