we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
