Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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