I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
