you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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