I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
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