Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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