wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
