Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize