I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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