OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize