I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I enjoy the company of your penis
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
